My Ass's Favorite President

It seems Obama is my ass's favorite president. Every time I fart my ass says his name BAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAACK

with a few exceptions this about say's it all

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for
every conceivable deficiency of the modern world,
real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility
for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point
out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or,
God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships

and interactions with others!!



And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism,
and remember those who have fought and died for
our country.

Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?





Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and
pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with
their hand over their hearts!



YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until
8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps.... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to
where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to
get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and
over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are
not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care,
private care, dental care.



I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic,
waiting in long lines, crowds, lawyers, unruly kids,
Toyota commercials, Dan Rather, barking dogs,
politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure
place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left
leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.....

I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these
days, and when did they let kids become policemen?

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how
could I be alive at 150?

And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just
lost the key to the storeroom door.



Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am
having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me,
I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send
it to many more too!



Now- Have I already sent this to you???????

If so, I'll try not to do it again (for a while.)

What would you attempt to do, If you knew you could not fail?

 
 

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately

clear your computer history if you die.

 

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when

you realize you're wrong.

 

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when

I was younger.

 

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

 

5. How the h#ll are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

 

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

 

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm

pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

 

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you

how the Person died.

 

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

 

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

 

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment

at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything

productive for the rest of the day.

 

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu

Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

 

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it

asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper

that I swear I did not make any changes to.

 

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash

this - ever.

 

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello?

Hello? D@mn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings

nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I

didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

 

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then

not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

 

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I

know not to answer when they call.

 

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

 

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given

Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

 

20. I wish Google Maps had an  "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

 

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was

younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was

going on when I first saw it.

 

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each

hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

 

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm

trying to finish a text.

 
 

 

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom

and hunger.

 

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you

just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a

word they said?

 

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars

team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay

strong, brothers and sisters!

 

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never

get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

 

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber

every year?

 

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure

you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

 

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate

drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always

hate cyclists.

 

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and

still not know what time it is.

 

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating

their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and

Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my @$$ everyone can

find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7

seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Here is today's history lesson................

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:


They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"
But worse than that were the really poor  folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot............they "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.


Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell . .. . brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.


Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"


Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."


There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.


The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.


In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.


Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.


Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.


Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust...


Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.


England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.....


And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

And God Created Pennsylvania.....

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while  southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries.  "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Pennsylvania , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from  Pennsylvania are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

 
 

God smiled, "Not very far from Pennsylvania is Washington , DC . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

Why We Love The British or

Reportedly British News Reports

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year.

It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." - The Daily Telegraph

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting a whole salami. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. - The Manchester Evening News

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. - The Guardian

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". - The Times

At the height of a gale, the harbourmaster radioed the coastguard and asked for an estimate of the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. - Aberdeen Evening Express

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden.

"He was repatriated at the end of 1945," she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" - Bournemouth Evening Echo

New Definitions

Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a
fool on the other.
 
Divorce:
Future tense of marriage.
 
Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing
through "the minds of either"
 
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is
defeated by feminine water power...
 
Dictionary:
A place where success comes before work.
 
Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.
 
Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read.
 
Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
 
Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous
home life.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their
mouth.

Office Terms

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group
discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed and who was responsible. 

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in,
makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything
and then leaves. 

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational
layers beginning  just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are
often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to
the problems they were designed to solve.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who
are suspected of planning to leave the company
or department soon. 

OHNO-SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time
in which realize that you've just made a BIG
mistake. Like making the selection that reformats
your hard drive. 

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of
whacking the crap out of an electronic device
to get it to work again.

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,


I hope you can help me here.  The other day, I set
off for work leaving my husband in the house watching
the TV as usual.  I hadn't driven more than a mile down
the road when the engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt.  I walked back home to get my
husband's help. 

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes.  He was
in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter.  I'm 32,
my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. 
We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
that they had been having an affair for the past six
months.  I told him to stop or I'd leave him.  He was let
go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.  I love him
very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he
has become increasingly distant.  He won't go to
counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him
anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila





Dear Sheila:


A car stalling after being driven a short distance can
be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. 
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel
line.  If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding
wires. 

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it
could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing
low delivery pressure to the injectors. Mainly have
your air filters cleaned or replaced.


I hope this helps with your problem.

Walter

Catchy Names

When I was introduced to a couple visiting our
congregation, I decided to remember their names
by noting they were the same as those of two
characters in a popular children's  
story.  

After the services I stopped to talk to them, and
as they were saying goodbye I teased, "Be careful
going up that hill! But you must get that all the time."  

They smiled politely but said nothing. After they left,
my wife asked, "What was that all about?"  

"Jack and Jill. Up the hill. Remember?" I said.  

"Yes, but what does that have to do with," she
pointed to the couple, "Dick and Jane?"  

New Position

Since another church member, Bonnie, had
mentioned that she and her husband were
struggling with a big decision on whether they
should become missionaries, my friend offered
to include them on the prayer list.  

So at the meeting, my friend announced in front
of the whole congregation, "Let's all pray that
Bonnie and Lee can make a decision about the
missionary position." 

FREE BEER

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4."

"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.

He swears every word is true.

"Well" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"No, not me personally," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to me sister."

SUV for my Birthday

Two old guys talking.
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me 
an SUV".
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Doctor Goes Hunting

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole,
How was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of
three patients. 'The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including

her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:
HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!'

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!!

Cat Flushing Toilet $300 Water Bill OMG!

$300 Water Bill
Although they could see nothing wrong, they had everything checked
for leaks or problems: first the water meter , then outdoor pipes,
indoor pipes, underground pipes, faucets, toilets, washer, ice
maker, etc. -- all to no avail.

One day Rick was sick and stayed home in bed, but kept hearing
water running downstairs. He finally tore himself from his sick
bed to investigate, and stumbled onto the cause of such high water
bills. Apparently this had been happening all day long when they
were not at home. Knowing that few would believe him, he taped a

segment of the 'problem' for posterity -- see attached video.

You Will Smile At This One

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said,

"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush.

You could hear a pin drop.

Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told

you a hundred times...What we have is...

 
 

 
 

 
 

Blue Cross!"

My Resume

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
    but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it --  
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but
that
was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef--figured it would add a little spice  

to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way
I sliced it...
couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found
I wasn't noteworthy.


8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't

have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.


10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered
I couldn't live on my net income.
                   
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.


12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I
wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work,
I finally got
a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because

it was the same old grind.

 
 

15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND
FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE
JOB!

PMS for Him

Amish Centerfold

Harry Buys A Car

Sen. Reid goes to a local GM dealer in Washington, D.C. with the

intention of buying a brand new vehicle.  Harry looks around and finds

one he likes.

 

 After going back and forth with the salesman, Harry settles on a

price of $45,000.

 

 Harry and the salesman go back to the office to complete the paperwork.

 

 Harry works out a 4-year payment plan, and signs on the bottom line.

 

The salesman shakes Harry's hand and says, "Thanks Senator Reid, the

car will be ready for pickup in 4 years."

 

 Harry says, "What are you talking about?  Where are the keys to my new car?"

 

 The salesman replies, "No, you don't understand Senator. You make

payments for 4 years... THEN we give you the car.  You know, just like

your health plan".

 

Harry, with a choking voice, says to the salesman, "But that's not fair".

 

 And I say without any doubt or embarrassment:

 

 NO S##T, Sherlock!!!

Never Hire a Gay Weatherman

Never Lose Your Grandson!

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall...

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

 
 

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

 
 

"Grandpa." 

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits." 

Never Lose Your Grandson!

Love Making Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to  make sure your partner is actually in the  bed.

2. Set timer for 3  minutes, in case you doze off in the  middle..

3. Set the mood  with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you  put 911 on your speed dial before you  begin.

5. Write partner's  name on your hand in case you can't  remember.

6. Use extra  polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the  bed.

7. Have Tylenol  ready in case you actually complete the  act..

8. Make all the  noise you want...the neighbors are deaf,  too.

9. If it works,  call everyone you know with the good  news!!

10. Don't even  think about trying it twice.
..  . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .... . . . . . .  . . . . .
'OLD'  IS WHEN...  
Your  sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,  'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD'  IS WHEN...  
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and  you're barefoot.

'OLD'  IS WHEN...  
Going  bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your  face.

'OLD'  IS WHEN.....  
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you  don't have to go along.

'OLD'  IS WHEN...  
You  are cautioned to slow down by the
doctor  instead of by the police
.

'OLD'  IS WHEN..  
'Getting  a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber  today.

'OLD'  IS WHEN...  
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking  lot.

'OLD'  IS WHEN...  
An  'all nighter' means not getting up to use the  bathroom.

'OLD'  IS WHEN...

You're  not sure if these are facts or jokes.
 

Airport Scanning

 

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the

airports: have a booth that you can step into

that will not x-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may

have on you or in you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap

about racial profiling and this method would

eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.

 

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now. You're in

the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,

"Attention standby passengers. We now have a seat available on Flight Number 

......"

 

Another outstanding idea!

Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with....?
 

A  Misdewiener!  


You know darn well you're going to send this on to  somebody!!!

Smoking in the Rain

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted. 

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life! Between the legs of me wife!"


That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!


He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast
of the night"


She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."


"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.


The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."


She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and
the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A SHORT LOVE STORY........

A man and a woman who had never met before,

but who were both married to other people,

found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

 

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,

they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

 
 

I'm awfully cold.'

 
 

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!..................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own f'_ _ _ing blanket.'

 
 

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

Better than a Flu Shot!

 
 

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties And had never been married. She was 
admired for her sweetness And kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him 
into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while 
she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old  Hammond  organ, The young minister Noticed a   cute glass 
bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a 
condom!

When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his 
curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer 
resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'   Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through The Park a few months ago And I found this little package on the 
ground.. The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter. 
 

Eric the Computer Whiz

 

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
                               

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
                               

Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
                               

"No," I replied.  "Write it down, he said, and I think you'll figure it out."         

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T   

I used to like Eric, the little bastard. 

My kind of fishing trip!

So You Think English is Easy???

You think English is easy???   Can you  read these right the first time?  1)  The bandage was wound around the  wound. 2)  The farm was used to produce produce.  3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.  4)  We must polish  the Polish furniture.   5)  He could lead if he would get the lead out.   6)  The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.  7)  Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .   8) A bass was  painted on the head of the bass  drum.   9)  When shot at, the dove  dove  into the bushes.  10)  I did not object to the object.  11)  The insurance was invalid for the invalid.  12)  There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.  13)  They were too close to the door to close it.   14)  The buck does funny things when the does are present.   15)  A seamstress and a sewer  fell down into a sewer line.   16)  To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow..  17)  The wind was too strong to wind the sail.   18)  Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.  19)  I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.  20)  How can I intimate this to my most  intimate  friend?  Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.   And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?  Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?  If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?  How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not  a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.   PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?   You  lovers of the English language might enjoy this .   There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.' It's easy to understand UP ,  meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a  meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP  for election and why is it UP  to the secretary  to write UP  a report?   We call UP  our friends. And we use it to brighten UP  a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP  the house and some guys fix UP  the old car .  At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP  trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP  an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.   And this UP is confusing. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.  We open UP a  store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!  To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to  it, you might try building UP a  list of the many ways UP is  used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun comes out we say it is clearing  UP .   When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .   One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP,  so......... Time to shut UP !   Oh... one more thing:   What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

Engagement Ring

An elderly,(about 70), white-haired man walked into a jewelry store
one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

 
 

 

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said,
"No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check.
I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank
on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said. 

 
 

On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account." 

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!

 
 

                                                        All Seniors Aren't Senile

Grandmas don't know everything....

  Little Ralph was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.   
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her: 
"Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?" 
   She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.  

 
 

It's  called sex, darling." 
   

Little Ralph  said, "Oh, ok," 
and went back outside to play with the other kids.   
   

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,   
"Grandma, it isn't called  sex.   
 It's called Bunk Beds.   
 And Howie's mom wants to talk to  you."

LORD... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER*

Mary got married and had 13 children. 
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer. 
She married again, and her & Bob had 7 more children. 
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. 
Mary *again*, remarried,..... and this time, her & John had 5 more children. 

Mary finally died, after having 25 children. 
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. 
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." 
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" 
Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

The Ostrich

 A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order.  "That will
be $9.40 please."  The man reaches into his pocket and

pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.  "Excuse me,
sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"


"Well," says  the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."


"That's  brilliant!" says the waitress..  "Most  people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll  always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"


"That's right.  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man..

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers,

"My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."