My Ass's Favorite President

It seems Obama is my ass's favorite president. Every time I fart my ass says his name BAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAACK

with a few exceptions this about say's it all

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for
every conceivable deficiency of the modern world,
real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility
for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point
out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or,
God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships

and interactions with others!!



And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism,
and remember those who have fought and died for
our country.

Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?





Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and
pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with
their hand over their hearts!



YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until
8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps.... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to
where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to
get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and
over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are
not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care,
private care, dental care.



I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic,
waiting in long lines, crowds, lawyers, unruly kids,
Toyota commercials, Dan Rather, barking dogs,
politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure
place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left
leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.....

I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these
days, and when did they let kids become policemen?

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how
could I be alive at 150?

And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just
lost the key to the storeroom door.



Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am
having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me,
I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send
it to many more too!



Now- Have I already sent this to you???????

If so, I'll try not to do it again (for a while.)

What would you attempt to do, If you knew you could not fail?

 
 

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately

clear your computer history if you die.

 

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when

you realize you're wrong.

 

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when

I was younger.

 

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

 

5. How the h#ll are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

 

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

 

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm

pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

 

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you

how the Person died.

 

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

 

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

 

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment

at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything

productive for the rest of the day.

 

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu

Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

 

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it

asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper

that I swear I did not make any changes to.

 

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash

this - ever.

 

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello?

Hello? D@mn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings

nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I

didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

 

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then

not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

 

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I

know not to answer when they call.

 

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

 

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given

Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

 

20. I wish Google Maps had an  "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

 

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was

younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was

going on when I first saw it.

 

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each

hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

 

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm

trying to finish a text.

 
 

 

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom

and hunger.

 

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you

just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a

word they said?

 

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars

team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay

strong, brothers and sisters!

 

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never

get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

 

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber

every year?

 

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure

you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

 

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate

drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always

hate cyclists.

 

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and

still not know what time it is.

 

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating

their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and

Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my @$$ everyone can

find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7

seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Here is today's history lesson................

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:


They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"
But worse than that were the really poor  folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot............they "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.


Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell . .. . brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.


Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"


Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."


There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.


The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.


In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.


Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.


Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.


Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust...


Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.


England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.....


And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

And God Created Pennsylvania.....

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while  southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries.  "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Pennsylvania , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from  Pennsylvania are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

 
 

God smiled, "Not very far from Pennsylvania is Washington , DC . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

Why We Love The British or

Reportedly British News Reports

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year.

It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." - The Daily Telegraph

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting a whole salami. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. - The Manchester Evening News

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. - The Guardian

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". - The Times

At the height of a gale, the harbourmaster radioed the coastguard and asked for an estimate of the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. - Aberdeen Evening Express

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden.

"He was repatriated at the end of 1945," she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" - Bournemouth Evening Echo

New Definitions

Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a
fool on the other.
 
Divorce:
Future tense of marriage.
 
Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing
through "the minds of either"
 
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is
defeated by feminine water power...
 
Dictionary:
A place where success comes before work.
 
Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.
 
Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read.
 
Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
 
Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous
home life.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their
mouth.

Office Terms

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group
discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed and who was responsible. 

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in,
makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything
and then leaves. 

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational
layers beginning  just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are
often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to
the problems they were designed to solve.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who
are suspected of planning to leave the company
or department soon. 

OHNO-SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time
in which realize that you've just made a BIG
mistake. Like making the selection that reformats
your hard drive. 

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of
whacking the crap out of an electronic device
to get it to work again.

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,


I hope you can help me here.  The other day, I set
off for work leaving my husband in the house watching
the TV as usual.  I hadn't driven more than a mile down
the road when the engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt.  I walked back home to get my
husband's help. 

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes.  He was
in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter.  I'm 32,
my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. 
We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
that they had been having an affair for the past six
months.  I told him to stop or I'd leave him.  He was let
go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.  I love him
very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he
has become increasingly distant.  He won't go to
counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him
anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila





Dear Sheila:


A car stalling after being driven a short distance can
be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. 
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel
line.  If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding
wires. 

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it
could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing
low delivery pressure to the injectors. Mainly have
your air filters cleaned or replaced.


I hope this helps with your problem.

Walter

Catchy Names

When I was introduced to a couple visiting our
congregation, I decided to remember their names
by noting they were the same as those of two
characters in a popular children's  
story.  

After the services I stopped to talk to them, and
as they were saying goodbye I teased, "Be careful
going up that hill! But you must get that all the time."  

They smiled politely but said nothing. After they left,
my wife asked, "What was that all about?"  

"Jack and Jill. Up the hill. Remember?" I said.  

"Yes, but what does that have to do with," she
pointed to the couple, "Dick and Jane?"