Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life! Between the legs of me wife!"


That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!


He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast
of the night"


She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."


"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.


The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."


She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and
the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A SHORT LOVE STORY........

A man and a woman who had never met before,

but who were both married to other people,

found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

 

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,

they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

 
 

I'm awfully cold.'

 
 

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!..................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own f'_ _ _ing blanket.'

 
 

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

Better than a Flu Shot!

 
 

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties And had never been married. She was 
admired for her sweetness And kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him 
into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while 
she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old  Hammond  organ, The young minister Noticed a   cute glass 
bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a 
condom!

When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his 
curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer 
resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'   Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through The Park a few months ago And I found this little package on the 
ground.. The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter. 
 

Eric the Computer Whiz

 

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
                               

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
                               

Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
                               

"No," I replied.  "Write it down, he said, and I think you'll figure it out."         

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T   

I used to like Eric, the little bastard. 

My kind of fishing trip!

So You Think English is Easy???

You think English is easy???   Can you  read these right the first time?  1)  The bandage was wound around the  wound. 2)  The farm was used to produce produce.  3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.  4)  We must polish  the Polish furniture.   5)  He could lead if he would get the lead out.   6)  The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.  7)  Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .   8) A bass was  painted on the head of the bass  drum.   9)  When shot at, the dove  dove  into the bushes.  10)  I did not object to the object.  11)  The insurance was invalid for the invalid.  12)  There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.  13)  They were too close to the door to close it.   14)  The buck does funny things when the does are present.   15)  A seamstress and a sewer  fell down into a sewer line.   16)  To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow..  17)  The wind was too strong to wind the sail.   18)  Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.  19)  I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.  20)  How can I intimate this to my most  intimate  friend?  Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.   And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?  Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?  If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?  How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not  a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.   PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?   You  lovers of the English language might enjoy this .   There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.' It's easy to understand UP ,  meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a  meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP  for election and why is it UP  to the secretary  to write UP  a report?   We call UP  our friends. And we use it to brighten UP  a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP  the house and some guys fix UP  the old car .  At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP  trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP  an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.   And this UP is confusing. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.  We open UP a  store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!  To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to  it, you might try building UP a  list of the many ways UP is  used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun comes out we say it is clearing  UP .   When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .   One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP,  so......... Time to shut UP !   Oh... one more thing:   What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

Engagement Ring

An elderly,(about 70), white-haired man walked into a jewelry store
one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

 
 

 

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said,
"No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check.
I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank
on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said. 

 
 

On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account." 

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!

 
 

                                                        All Seniors Aren't Senile

Grandmas don't know everything....

  Little Ralph was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.   
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her: 
"Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?" 
   She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.  

 
 

It's  called sex, darling." 
   

Little Ralph  said, "Oh, ok," 
and went back outside to play with the other kids.   
   

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,   
"Grandma, it isn't called  sex.   
 It's called Bunk Beds.   
 And Howie's mom wants to talk to  you."

LORD... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER*

Mary got married and had 13 children. 
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer. 
She married again, and her & Bob had 7 more children. 
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. 
Mary *again*, remarried,..... and this time, her & John had 5 more children. 

Mary finally died, after having 25 children. 
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. 
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." 
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" 
Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

The Ostrich

 A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order.  "That will
be $9.40 please."  The man reaches into his pocket and

pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.  "Excuse me,
sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"


"Well," says  the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."


"That's  brilliant!" says the waitress..  "Most  people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll  always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"


"That's right.  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man..

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers,

"My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."