New Position

Since another church member, Bonnie, had
mentioned that she and her husband were
struggling with a big decision on whether they
should become missionaries, my friend offered
to include them on the prayer list.  

So at the meeting, my friend announced in front
of the whole congregation, "Let's all pray that
Bonnie and Lee can make a decision about the
missionary position." 

FREE BEER

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4."

"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.

He swears every word is true.

"Well" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"No, not me personally," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to me sister."

SUV for my Birthday

Two old guys talking.
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me 
an SUV".
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Doctor Goes Hunting

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole,
How was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of
three patients. 'The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including

her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:
HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!'

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!!

Cat Flushing Toilet $300 Water Bill OMG!

$300 Water Bill
Although they could see nothing wrong, they had everything checked
for leaks or problems: first the water meter , then outdoor pipes,
indoor pipes, underground pipes, faucets, toilets, washer, ice
maker, etc. -- all to no avail.

One day Rick was sick and stayed home in bed, but kept hearing
water running downstairs. He finally tore himself from his sick
bed to investigate, and stumbled onto the cause of such high water
bills. Apparently this had been happening all day long when they
were not at home. Knowing that few would believe him, he taped a

segment of the 'problem' for posterity -- see attached video.

You Will Smile At This One

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said,

"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush.

You could hear a pin drop.

Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told

you a hundred times...What we have is...

 
 

 
 

 
 

Blue Cross!"

My Resume

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
    but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it --  
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but
that
was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef--figured it would add a little spice  

to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way
I sliced it...
couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found
I wasn't noteworthy.


8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't

have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.


10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered
I couldn't live on my net income.
                   
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.


12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I
wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work,
I finally got
a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because

it was the same old grind.

 
 

15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND
FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE
JOB!

PMS for Him

Amish Centerfold

Harry Buys A Car

Sen. Reid goes to a local GM dealer in Washington, D.C. with the

intention of buying a brand new vehicle.  Harry looks around and finds

one he likes.

 

 After going back and forth with the salesman, Harry settles on a

price of $45,000.

 

 Harry and the salesman go back to the office to complete the paperwork.

 

 Harry works out a 4-year payment plan, and signs on the bottom line.

 

The salesman shakes Harry's hand and says, "Thanks Senator Reid, the

car will be ready for pickup in 4 years."

 

 Harry says, "What are you talking about?  Where are the keys to my new car?"

 

 The salesman replies, "No, you don't understand Senator. You make

payments for 4 years... THEN we give you the car.  You know, just like

your health plan".

 

Harry, with a choking voice, says to the salesman, "But that's not fair".

 

 And I say without any doubt or embarrassment:

 

 NO S##T, Sherlock!!!